Change

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Sometimes blogging can be the most frustrating experience in the world. Coming up with ideas is the easy part. What’s a lot harder is sitting down to write about those ideas.

I don’t want blogging to become a chore. I constantly want to write about things I am passionate about. However, an idea I came up with a month ago often doesn’t resonate as much with me by the time I come to write it.

Sitting here, switching my gaze from the meticulously structured document on my computer filled with ideas, and the perfectly orange brick wall outside my window, is not doing much to inspire creativity. I turn to blog title generators in the hope it might awake something inside me… Let’s see… Maybe I can write about creativity… the creative process… no, that’s too generic… Maybe about culture? Something to do with… culture??

I’m grasping and I know it.

So, completely stuck, none of the ideas I’ve jotted down jumping out at me, I’ve decided to write a blog post that fits with the name of this blog – me!

At the moment my life is going through an intense period of transition. I have mentioned in my last blog post that I am currently residing in Kathmandu, Nepal. I have been here since September but it is only recently that I have started to make some big decisions that will affect my life when I go back to the UK in July/August of this year.

As is always the case when going through a big personality change, you don’t really notice it until you’re coming out the other end. I happen to have come out a more focused, optimistic and resolved person. I now have a clearer idea of what I want out of my career and social life. It has meant that I’ve had to make some pretty scary choices over the last few months – choices that I battle with every day wondering if I did the right thing. At the end of the day, I am content to say that I have.

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I feel like I have stirred something up inside of me that I always knew was there, but repressed for many years. I remember as a child I would climb trees, and run through fields, and explore an old abandoned quarry  near my house. This sense of adventure was trampled as I grew older and cynical. I came to believe that being negative was a sign of intelligence; being judgemental a sign of wisdom. It’s not.

I spent many years of my life looking down on others for their ‘shallow’ friendships and conversations. I lived with one stubborn and unshakeable belief – that I understood how life really worked, and those around me were stunted either by their personal circumstances or their weak personalities.

Typical of growing and maturing,, we look back on the previous version of ourselves and laugh – but also cringe. I feel an acute sense of embarrassment at who I used to be, who I let myself become. Convinced I was a misunderstood genius just waiting to be discovered, I regularly felt slighted when I wasn’t recognised for my brilliance. This ‘brilliance’ was, of course, based on absolutely no evidence. Sure, I put my name to a few projects here and there, I tried my hand at a few different things. I never succeeded though. I always blamed other factors (or my own lack of self-motivation), and in the process I disrespected entire lives – the lives of people who work their ass off day in, day out, to hone a craft and develop an audience.

I believed that I had natural skill. I was cocky. I understand that. Most young men are. You can dress it up anyway you want, but when all is said and done, I think a lot of people who are like me are just inherently arrogant.

Whatever made me wake up and realise that I am a very insignificant fish in a gigantic pond, I will never know. But I am glad it happened now, and not when I am in my forties. Some humility is good – and god damn could I use it.

This may sound a bit bleak – perhaps even depressing. But it is far from it! I have finally managed to accept that you can strive to succeed without attaining instant results! I have come to understand that, just because your dreams do not come to fruition immediately, and your immediate goals and situation might change, that does not mean you are giving up. Life is a messy, meandering path with no real end goal. Instant gratification is a myth. Life is for learning as much as it is for being recognised for your achievements. It just means that I will hit London hard by the end of this year, and I will accept rejection far more gracefully than I once did.

In the end, I kicked myself in the teeth. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but ultimately I’m glad it was me and not the ruthless steel-toe-capped boot of real life that did it.

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